Sometimes we are mad. Sometimes we get sad, worked up, or anxious. Often when that happens others will tell us to stop. To stop being mad, to cheer up, or to calm down.
What’s true for you is true for your spouse. Often the reason we want our spouse to feel better is so that we can feel better. If we can learn to be ok with others emotions, we are actually more likely to be able to help them. When we are requiring them to calm down it is because we have moved our own care off of us and on to them. We can learn to let our partner have any emotion and hold them in it. We can support and seek to understand rather than using energy trying to figure out how to get them to make us more comfortable. Choosing the latter will often create resistance because the emotion wants to be seen and heard. It’s not too interested in leaving before that happens.
Once you manage your own reactions, then you can create space for the emotions of those around you. That’s all they really want anyway. Try it sometime and let me know how it goes!