Last week I talked about potential "warning signs" in your relationship. I want to stress that these signs are not telling us that things are helpless, hopeless, or impossible- no matter how many signs you are noticing. Nothing has gone wrong. These things are there simply to present information. They help us learn where we are now and what we can expect going forward. With that information we can make well-informed decisions.
So often within couples when there is conflict or disconnect we find blame. Our partner is the reason we aren’t connecting. They are the reason we haven’t been getting along. This approach probably feels good, true, and justified. The problem is, it’s unhelpful. It removes our control over the situation and leaves us waiting for the other to change. When they don’t make the changes we want, we are left feeling frustrated.
They don’t change. We don’t change. And nothing gets better.
I have good news:
So much of relationship work is learning about you. It’s learning about your perceptions, expectations, thoughts, and beliefs. It is noticing how these things are shaping your experience as a couple. When you notice a ‘warning sign’ cropping up, you can take time to examine it. Examine your thoughts surrounding it. And examine how those make you feel. Examining all of this, taking time to feel and process it, allows you to keep the ones that are working for you and let go of the ones that aren't. This process changes how you feel and how you show up in the world. And that is what will lead to real change your relationship. I promise.